I spend a ridiculous amount of time by myself.
I’m home alone most evenings right after work and it isn’t uncommon for me to go an entire day on the weekend without even seeing another person. Unless I need to go to the grocery store or decide to go to one of the busier parks to shoot photos it’s pretty easy to isolate myself at home.
It’s not as though I have no interaction at all. There’s Facebook, of course, with it’s false sense of community. I can stay up-to-date with everyone I know without ever actually talking to them or seeing them. It’s easy to get sucked in for hours, living vicariously through all of your friends and their various exploits.
Am I lonely? Sometimes, I guess. But I generally don’t mind being alone. In fact, on some level, it’s a choice. There are a lot of things I could do. I could re-engage in the theater and photography communities. I could volunteer. But that all just sounds like a lot of effort right now.
Sometimes, I wonder “What’s wrong with me?” I used to be so outgoing and social. Now I avoid crowds. Just the thought of going out at night exhausts me. Then, I remember that just a few short months ago, I was a full-time caregiver and that it is going to take time to re-define who I am and how I live my life.
Patience has never been my strongest attribute.
I’ve also never been particularly good at living in the moment. I’ve spent a lot of my life chasing some idea of what I should be, some version of “success” that I’ve had in my brain. I’m starting to realize that I’d be better served by taking cues from what’s going on around me in the moment. Enjoy those moments, because they’re all we have.
I know that this year is going to be full of change for me. Change is hard and scary, but it is necessary for growth. I am eager to see how the coming months unfold.
In the meantime, I guess it’s a good thing I enjoy my own company.
































